Afraid

There is so much different about this year.

It is my last at the University of Arizona.

Much of the security blanket is gone...our class is now the oldest in Navs...the big decisions I'm making I now make alone with God...

I have somehow changed into a doubtful, fearful recluse...

I can't really pinpoint everything...

Everything seems like there has been an unalterable change. I value change, and the idealist in me thinks I should be just fine--and even excited. Instead, I'm scared...almost paralyzed with this fear, and struggling with the implications that has on my small faith.

When I am faithless, He remains faithful.

What does that look like? It must mean that I am allowed to feel this uncertain. I am allowed to doubt. I do doubt. I can be faithless. I can be fearful...and He will still be as solid as an everlasting rock that will not be moved.

How often do I forget that this hope is outside of myself? It seems much more intense that usual, though...this uncertainty.

And yet, He separates me from the sins of faithlessness which I am still committing. And thus, I am free from worry about the consequences.


These things I know:
He is faithful.
He has not changed.
He knows what is happening, and is in control.
He is my continuing salvation.

Those things are certain, so I cry and tremble and wait for salvation as the watchmen wait for the morning.